When Charlie Kirk was killed, America’s public stage erupted in sympathy. Flags were lowered, NFL teams held moments of silence, talk show hosts wept on camera, and GoFundMe pages filled with donations for his wife and children.
But I couldn’t help asking: Where was this energy when George Floyd was murdered on camera? When 12-year-old Tamir Rice was shot in a park? When trans women are beaten, when immigrant families are torn apart, when Palestinian children are buried under rubble?
I’m a cis white woman, and I’ve learned the hard way that my silence — our silence — is not neutral. It’s deadly.
I am the COO of Trans Empowerment Project, a national nonprofit serving and led by trans folks, and I’m married to an Afro-Latino trans man. Many of the people in my life that I care about deeply face danger every day. And yet even in my own home, I’ve seen how my instinct to “keep the peace” causes harm.
Not long ago, my little brother came to visit us. He’s 11, and over the course of the week, made a few racist comments that he didn’t fully understand. My husband Jack asked me to talk to my mom about where he might be learning that language, and to encourage her to start her own anti-racism journey. I delayed and made excuses, mostly because I was afraid of upsetting her or pushing her away.
When Jack finally confronted me about my lack of action, he was devastated. To him, my hesitation looked like a choice to protect my mother’s comfort over his life experiences. He was right. I finally had the conversation, and it went better than I feared — but it shouldn’t have taken that long. My silence was not a kindness to anyone, and my unwillingness to rock the boat ended up hurting my partner and best friend.
That is the pattern white women must break. We tell ourselves we’re being “nice.” We don’t want to make family dinners awkward or lose friends over politics. We cry when we’re called out, shifting attention back to our hurt feelings instead of the harm we’ve allowed. We absorb stereotypes about Black women being “angry,” immigrants being “dangerous,” and trans women being “a threat” — sometimes even convincing ourselves that standing aside is neutrality.
It isn’t. It’s complicity.
Right now, nearly 1,000 anti-trans bills have been introduced across the U.S. ICE raids are terrorizing families. Politicians openly float “nihilistic violent extremist” labels to criminalize transgender advocacy. Abroad, genocides are unfolding while Americans scroll past in silence. And still, when a powerful white man dies, tears flow while violence against marginalized communities barely registers.
I believe white women could change this trajectory — quickly. Women are the majority in this country. We are the backbone of childcare, healthcare, and education. And if white women collectively refused to excuse bigotry in our families, book clubs, workplaces, and churches, the culture would shift. Imagine if we showed up to stomp out racism and transphobia as fast as we lined up to knit pink pussy hats. We would be unstoppable.
That’s why I wrote From Nice to Necessary: A Starter’s Guide for White Women Who Want to Cause Good Trouble. It’s not about shame; it’s about responsibility. The guide offers stories, tools, and steps for moving beyond “niceness” into action. It’s meant to be read with friends, neighbors, parent groups, colleagues — anywhere silence has been the norm. Because it’s time we stop choosing peace at the dinner table over justice in the streets.
If you’re a white woman reading this, here’s my ask: Don’t let this moment pass. Download the guide. Gather your people. Share it widely. Have the conversations you’ve been avoiding. And then take action — donate, fundraise, volunteer, protest, protect.
History won’t remember our good intentions. It will remember whether we stood up or stayed quiet, and right now, the silence is deafening.
