10 Things You Can Do To Show Up For Your Trans Loved Ones
The holidays are rolling in again — twinkly lights, sweater weather, and that one cousin who insists on “playing devil’s advocate” even though nobody asked. For many Two-Spirit, Trans, Intersex, and Gender-Expansive (2TIGE) folks, this season can feel like a mixed bag: joy, anxiety, celebration, and the ever-present question of whether family gatherings will feel welcoming or…something less than that.
If someone you love is 2TIGE, the way you show up can make the difference between a holiday that feels safe and affirming, or one that they spend silently bracing themselves. The good news? Being a supportive, thoughtful ally isn’t complicated. It just takes intention, humility, and a willingness to prioritize their comfort over anyone else’s convenience.
Here are ten ways to show up with real love, respect, and solidarity this holiday season — and beyond.
1. Use Their Name and Pronouns (Yes, Every Time!)
Affirming someone’s name and pronouns is the foundation of showing respect. If your loved one has shared theirs with you, use them consistently, even when you’re reminiscing about childhood stories or talking to relatives who “don’t get it yet.” If you’re unsure of their pronouns or how they introduce themselves these days, ask ahead of time instead of guessing.
Singular “they” is not new, confusing, or grammatically rebellious. You’ve used it your whole life. If you can say “Someone left their casserole on the counter,” you’re already doing it. It’s not about perfection; it’s about practice and commitment.
2. Check In Ahead of Time and Do Your Own Learning
Before the gathering, reach out and ask how they’re feeling about the holiday and what would help them feel supported. Maybe they want you to correct people gently on their pronouns. Maybe they want backup around certain relatives. Maybe they just want a neutral, judgment-free space to exist.
Whatever they share, honor it, and then take responsibility for your own education. If they seem open to talking, great. If not, don’t treat them like a walking encyclopedia of transness. The emotional labor of explaining themselves shouldn’t fall on them just because you’re curious. You can learn plenty from vetted resources (and you’ll find some below).
3. Don’t Ask Questions You Wouldn’t Ask a Cis Person
This one’s simple: if you wouldn’t ask a cisgender friend or family member a particular question, you shouldn’t ask your trans loved one either. Curiosity is normal, but bodies, medical decisions, and personal details are private. Questions like “Have you had surgery?” “What’s in your pants?” or “Which bathroom do you use?” are inappropriate, invasive, and irrelevant to who they are as a human being.
Respect their boundaries the same way you’d want yours respected.
4. Rethink Gendered Traditions
Families often have deeply ingrained gendered roles during the holidays: the women cook, the men watch football, or gifts are exchanged “by the boys” and “by the girls.” These traditions can feel alienating or painful for trans and non-binary relatives.
If your loved one is a trans man or trans woman, include them wholeheartedly in traditions that match their identity, versus ones assigned to them at birth. If they’re non-binary, talk with them about what feels comfortable or brainstorm new traditions together ahead of time. Safety and inclusion matter more than nostalgia.
5. Tell Old Stories the Right Way and Be Careful with Photos
Stories of childhood mischief and awkward middle-school moments can be sweet, but retelling them requires a little extra care. Use your loved one’s current name and pronouns when sharing memories. There’s no need to call in memories with language like “when you were a boy/girl”. These story still land without that kind of framing. Instead try something like “When you were younger”.
Photos are trickier. Some 2TIGE people enjoy looking back at old pictures; others find them dysphoric or painful. Always ask privately before pulling out old albums, passing around pre-transition pictures, or posting anything online. Even well-intentioned nostalgia can cross a boundary without meaning to.
6. Remember: Their Story Is Theirs to Share
Just because your loved one came out to you does not mean they’ve come out to everyone else in their life. They may not be out at work, school, church, or within certain parts of the family. Outing someone (even accidentally) can put them at risk socially, professionally, and in today’s climate, sometimes physically. Ie- just because you’re cool, doesn’t mean everyone else at the table is or will be.
Let people control their own narratives. If someone asks a question that you’re unsure how to navigate, try redirecting instead of revealing information that isn’t yours to disclose.
(Example: Your Trans loved one leaves the room, and suddenly Aunt Susan wants to know about their surgery status, you don’t need to give her a play by play, instead allow your Trans loved one to decide if/when they want to share that story and redirect the conversation to a favorite memory or anything else. If she or anyone else persists, it’s okay to be direct and let them know that that is not your story to share.)
7. Give Gifts That Celebrate Who They Are, Not Who You Assume They Should Be
Buying gifts for a newly out 2TIGE loved one doesn’t have to feel intimidating. The best strategy is the simplest: ask them what they want. Maybe they’re building a new wardrobe, exploring skincare or makeup for the first time, or trying out new hobbies or styles. They may also appreciate something fun, silly, comforting, or nostalgic (especially things they were denied growing up due to gendered expectations).
The goal isn’t to “get it perfect.” It’s to choose something that creates joy and says: I see you.
8. Stand Up to the Problematic Relative(s) – You Already Know Exactly Who We’re Talking About
Almost every holiday table has that one person who refuses to adjust, makes snide comments, misgenders people “on principle,” or wants to debate human rights like it’s fantasy football. Your loved one shouldn’t have to defend themselves alone.
Being an ally means stepping in; Calmly, confidently, and consistently. You don’t need to be confrontational to be firm. A simple “We’re using their correct name,” or “Hey, that’s not respectful,” is more powerful than you think. When allies speak up, 2TIGE people don’t always have to carry that burden themselves.
Allyship is a verb. Practicing it shows that you mean what you say.
9. Prioritize Their Comfort Over Your Discomfort
It’s okay if using new pronouns feels unfamiliar at first or if you’re nervous about correcting others. What’s not okay is putting the weight of your feelings onto your 2TIGE loved one. Their comfort, safety, and humanity are not optional because you feel awkward or uncertain.
If you care about them, truly care, then yes, stretch! Try new things. You’re going to get braver and things will get easier. That’s part of loving someone who needs you in their corner.
Their safety is more important than anyone else’s discomfort. Full stop.
10. When You Mess Up (And You Will), Fix It and Move Forward
No one expects perfection. What matters is how you respond. If you use the wrong pronoun or name, correct yourself quickly, apologize once, and move on. Don’t make a scene, spiral, or demand reassurance. Your loved one shouldn’t have to comfort you for a mistake you made.
The most respectful and authentic apology is changed behavior — not theatrics, not self-flagellation, and not turning your error into an entire holiday subplot.
After the Holidays: Keep Showing Up
Support doesn’t end when the decorations get boxed up. Keep checking in. Keep learning. Keep standing up when you need to. And most importantly, keep celebrating your loved one outside of crisis moments or visibility days. Trans people deserve ordinary joy, everyday safety, and people who stick around long after the holidays fade out.
Further Resources to Grow Your Allyship:
Trans Empowerment Project
Instagram • Facebook
Liberation Lab – TEP’s training platform
24/7 access to our self-paced allyship learning platform.
Trainings include:
Trans 101 • Sisterhood, Not Cisterhood • Supporters, Not Saviors • Centering Disabled BIPOC 2TIGE Lives
Sisterhood Not Cisterhood
A growing community and learning space for women (and our allies!) committed to practicing real, inclusive sisterhood.
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