Home for the Holidays: 10 Things You Can Do To Show Up For Your Trans Loved Ones

10 Things You Can Do To Show Up For Your Trans Loved Ones

The holidays are rolling in again — twinkly lights, sweater weather, and that one cousin who insists on “playing devil’s advocate” even though nobody asked. For many Two-Spirit, Trans, Intersex, and Gender-Expansive (2TIGE) folks, this season can feel like a mixed bag: joy, anxiety, celebration, and the ever-present question of whether family gatherings will feel welcoming or…something less than that.

If someone you love is 2TIGE, the way you show up can make the difference between a holiday that feels safe and affirming, or one that they spend silently bracing themselves. The good news? Being a supportive, thoughtful ally isn’t complicated. It just takes intention, humility, and a willingness to prioritize their comfort over anyone else’s convenience.

Here are ten ways to show up with real love, respect, and solidarity this holiday season — and beyond.

1. Use Their Name and Pronouns (Yes, Every Time!)

Affirming someone’s name and pronouns is the foundation of showing respect. If your loved one has shared theirs with you, use them consistently, even when you’re reminiscing about childhood stories or talking to relatives who “don’t get it yet.” If you’re unsure of their pronouns or how they introduce themselves these days, ask ahead of time instead of guessing.

Singular “they” is not new, confusing, or grammatically rebellious. You’ve used it your whole life. If you can say “Someone left their casserole on the counter,” you’re already doing it. It’s not about perfection; it’s about practice and commitment.

2. Check In Ahead of Time and Do Your Own Learning

Before the gathering, reach out and ask how they’re feeling about the holiday and what would help them feel supported. Maybe they want you to correct people gently on their pronouns. Maybe they want backup around certain relatives. Maybe they just want a neutral, judgment-free space to exist.

Whatever they share, honor it, and then take responsibility for your own education. If they seem open to talking, great. If not, don’t treat them like a walking encyclopedia of transness. The emotional labor of explaining themselves shouldn’t fall on them just because you’re curious. You can learn plenty from vetted resources (and you’ll find some below).

3. Don’t Ask Questions You Wouldn’t Ask a Cis Person

This one’s simple: if you wouldn’t ask a cisgender friend or family member a particular question, you shouldn’t ask your trans loved one either. Curiosity is normal, but bodies, medical decisions, and personal details are private. Questions like “Have you had surgery?” “What’s in your pants?” or “Which bathroom do you use?” are inappropriate, invasive, and irrelevant to who they are as a human being.

Respect their boundaries the same way you’d want yours respected.

4. Rethink Gendered Traditions

Families often have deeply ingrained gendered roles during the holidays: the women cook, the men watch football, or gifts are exchanged “by the boys” and “by the girls.” These traditions can feel alienating or painful for trans and non-binary relatives.

If your loved one is a trans man or trans woman, include them wholeheartedly in traditions that match their identity, versus ones assigned to them at birth. If they’re non-binary, talk with them about what feels comfortable or brainstorm new traditions together ahead of time. Safety and inclusion matter more than nostalgia.

5. Tell Old Stories the Right Way and Be Careful with Photos

Stories of childhood mischief and awkward middle-school moments can be sweet, but retelling them requires a little extra care. Use your loved one’s current name and pronouns when sharing memories. There’s no need to call in memories with language like “when you were a boy/girl”. These story still land without that kind of framing. Instead try something like “When you were younger”.

Photos are trickier. Some 2TIGE people enjoy looking back at old pictures; others find them dysphoric or painful. Always ask privately before pulling out old albums, passing around pre-transition pictures, or posting anything online. Even well-intentioned nostalgia can cross a boundary without meaning to.

6. Remember: Their Story Is Theirs to Share

Just because your loved one came out to you does not mean they’ve come out to everyone else in their life. They may not be out at work, school, church, or within certain parts of the family. Outing someone (even accidentally) can put them at risk socially, professionally, and in today’s climate, sometimes physically. Ie- just because you’re cool, doesn’t mean everyone else at the table is or will be.

Let people control their own narratives. If someone asks a question that you’re unsure how to navigate, try redirecting instead of revealing information that isn’t yours to disclose.

(Example: Your Trans loved one leaves the room, and suddenly Aunt Susan wants to know about their surgery status, you don’t need to give her a play by play, instead allow your Trans loved one to decide if/when they want to share that story and redirect the conversation to a favorite memory or anything else. If she or anyone else persists, it’s okay to be direct and let them know that that is not your story to share.)

7. Give Gifts That Celebrate Who They Are, Not Who You Assume They Should Be

Buying gifts for a newly out 2TIGE loved one doesn’t have to feel intimidating. The best strategy is the simplest: ask them what they want. Maybe they’re building a new wardrobe, exploring skincare or makeup for the first time, or trying out new hobbies or styles. They may also appreciate something fun, silly, comforting, or nostalgic (especially things they were denied growing up due to gendered expectations).

The goal isn’t to “get it perfect.” It’s to choose something that creates joy and says: I see you.

8. Stand Up to the Problematic Relative(s) – You Already Know Exactly Who We’re Talking About

Almost every holiday table has that one person who refuses to adjust, makes snide comments, misgenders people “on principle,” or wants to debate human rights like it’s fantasy football. Your loved one shouldn’t have to defend themselves alone.

Being an ally means stepping in; Calmly, confidently, and consistently. You don’t need to be confrontational to be firm. A simple “We’re using their correct name,” or “Hey, that’s not respectful,” is more powerful than you think. When allies speak up, 2TIGE people don’t always have to carry that burden themselves.

Allyship is a verb. Practicing it shows that you mean what you say.

9. Prioritize Their Comfort Over Your Discomfort

It’s okay if using new pronouns feels unfamiliar at first or if you’re nervous about correcting others. What’s not okay is putting the weight of your feelings onto your 2TIGE loved one. Their comfort, safety, and humanity are not optional because you feel awkward or uncertain.

If you care about them, truly care, then yes, stretch! Try new things. You’re going to get braver and things will get easier. That’s part of loving someone who needs you in their corner.

Their safety is more important than anyone else’s discomfort. Full stop.

10. When You Mess Up (And You Will), Fix It and Move Forward

No one expects perfection. What matters is how you respond. If you use the wrong pronoun or name, correct yourself quickly, apologize once, and move on. Don’t make a scene, spiral, or demand reassurance. Your loved one shouldn’t have to comfort you for a mistake you made.

The most respectful and authentic apology is changed behavior — not theatrics, not self-flagellation, and not turning your error into an entire holiday subplot.

After the Holidays: Keep Showing Up

Support doesn’t end when the decorations get boxed up. Keep checking in. Keep learning. Keep standing up when you need to. And most importantly, keep celebrating your loved one outside of crisis moments or visibility days. Trans people deserve ordinary joy, everyday safety, and people who stick around long after the holidays fade out.

Further Resources to Grow Your Allyship:

Trans Empowerment Project
Instagram • Facebook

Liberation Lab – TEP’s training platform
24/7 access to our self-paced allyship learning platform.
Trainings include:
Trans 101 • Sisterhood, Not Cisterhood • Supporters, Not Saviors • Centering Disabled BIPOC 2TIGE Lives

Sisterhood Not Cisterhood
A growing community and learning space for women (and our allies!) committed to practicing real, inclusive sisterhood.

Microgrants Donate to help us provide quarterly micro-grants. TEP’s micro-grants provide support for community members who need it the most.

Ally to Activist: The Basics

Uncategorized

It’s not new ground, but it’s worth repeating as a disclaimer: showing up looks different for everyone. Not all of us can afford to donate significant portions of our money or time, and there are many other worthy causes and communities out there in need of attention as well. Terms like ‘slacktivism’ are utterly unproductive. There is absolutely value in posting on social media about Trans* issues; it keeps these issues in the public conscience and shows Trans* people that they have allies out there. On the other hand, there is absolutely no value in criticizing people for showing support to the Trans* community. Of course, people can be doing more than posting on social media, but policing the activism of others is a waste of time, creates division, and only weakens the cause. Stay in your own lane, and focus on the positive!

The very basics of allyship don’t actually take any extra time or effort. I would hope that most of us try to be supportive of the people in our lives. Sort of like a happy birthday message, if you see someone post for International Transgender Day of Visibility, you might send a positive message their way to mark the occasion. I would hope that most of us do some research into the political candidate we are considering voting for. Even when busy, we can hopefully find a few moments to Google the candidate’s stance on certain policies and issues or read their flyer. I would hope that most of us call people out on their bigotry when we judge ourselves able to do so safely, in the same way we would call people out who are just being mean without the bigotry angle. An asshole is an asshole.

Going beyond the basics, I would urge you to join the conversation. A lot has been said about the importance of listening to and not speaking over Trans* voices, but it is equally important not to take this as an instruction to withdraw from the conversation altogether. In a reversal of the idea of ‘slacktivism’, where people’s real motivations and commitment to a cause are doubted and penalized, many people seem afraid that their good intentions will be disregarded in the face of their perhaps poorly-chosen words. One of the most important things an activist or ally to any cause can do is lose their fear of discomfort. Learning comes from a space of discomfort – and this can apply to anyone in any situation. Without putting ourselves in unfamiliar spaces where we may make mistakes, we cannot learn and grow. Put simply: stick around after the talk for the Q&A, and don’t be afraid to put your hand up.

If you’re looking for somewhere to start, we’ve compiled some FAQs about the Trans* community here.

If you’re looking for ways to get more involved – why not take action with us?

Home For the Holidays: 10 Things You Can Do to Show Up for Your Trans Loved Ones

FAQs, Uncategorized

The holidays have come ‘round again and it’s time for families and friends to gather together and celebrate. Lots of you might be gathering for the first time since covid began, which is already nerve-wracking enough. What you might not know is that a significant number of people have come out as trans or non-binary during the last almost 2 years of quarantine and isolation. Your friend or family member will need support, and if you can put aside any biases or assumptions you have and be affirming, it will go a long way towards making sure you have a relationship with them in the future. Below are 10 tips you can use this holiday season to be the best ally you can be for your trans or non-binary loved ones.

Pronouns and name – ALWAYS use your loved one’s new name and pronouns. If you don’t know, ask, and then practice ahead of time. Don’t make excuses like “it’s just too hard, I’ve known you as (blank) for so long!” Practice, practice, practice, so that you don’t mess up when you see them. Speaking of “them”, let’s take a moment to talk about they/them pronouns since they seem to get a lot of pushback from folks who don’t think they/them should be used as a singular pronoun. What you might not realize is that we have been using they/them as a singular pronoun for centuries and that you’ve been doing it your whole life. For example: “Oh no, someone dropped their keys in the parking lot. I will try to find them so that I can return their keys.” It’s not as hard as you think it is, it just takes practice.
Check-in and educate yourself beforehand – The best thing you can do as an ally is to follow the lead of your loved one. If they seem excited to talk about their name change, pronouns, transition journey, etc, by all means, share that joy with them. Just remember that it’s not up to you to lead that conversation. Don’t expect your loved one to show up and answer every question you or other guests have about trans people. While some folks don’t mind answering questions if they’re framed politely and respectfully, some trans people don’t have it in them to give that kind of emotional labor, especially during a time that’s probably already very stressful for them. Marginalized people do not owe you an education on their experiences. Be proactive and learn what you can ahead of time. If you’re unsure of where to start, we’ve included further resources below.
Don’t ask questions you wouldn’t ask a cis person (a cisgender person is someone who identifies as the gender they were assigned at birth) – This should be obvious but you should never ask questions of your trans or non-binary loved one that you wouldn’t ask of a cis person. Asking questions like “have you had any surgeries” or “what’s in your pants” or “which bathroom do you use when you’re in public” is incredibly offensive. You wouldn’t ask a cisgender person these questions, so don’t ask them of your trans or non-binary loved ones. The answers to these questions are none of your business and asking them only makes your trans loved one(s) extremely uncomfortable.
Gendered traditions – Lots of folks have family traditions that they perform during the holidays, whether that’s having folks only buy gifts for family members of the same gender or having the post-meal tradition of men watching football and women cleaning up the kitchen. If your loved one is a trans man or trans woman, including them in the traditions that were formerly forbidden to them because of their assigned gender at birth can be really affirming and is a great way to make them feel accepted. If your family member is anything other than a binary trans person (trans man or trans woman), any “gendered” traditions are likely to, by default, not feel inclusive to them. Consider speaking with them to see if together you can brainstorm ideas for new traditions that will help them feel seen and validated.
Recounting old stories/sharing pictures – Ah, those good times when your family and friends recount funny, heartwarming, and/or embarrassing stories about your youth! Remember though, your trans or non-binary loved one went by a different name and/or pronouns back then, so you need to adjust your stories accordingly. Don’t say things like “back when *so-and-so* was a girl” or “before *blank* came out as non-binary”, just tell the story like you normally would and replace all the old names and pronouns with the correct ones. If this seems daunting, don’t forget to practice ahead of time! Also, some trans or non-binary folks do not like seeing pictures from before they transitioned as it can make them feel dysphoric, so be sure to ask them privately about their comfortability before you whip out any childhood/pre-transition photos.
Don’t “out” them to anyone else – Just because your trans or non-binary loved one came out to you (and maybe even the rest of the family), it doesn’t mean they’re ready to come out to everyone. While they may have wanted to share this wonderful news with you during the holidays, they might still have to stay closeted at work and/or other social situations. Outside of the circle of people who will be at this holiday gathering, do not assume that anyone else knows they’re trans or non-binary or that it’s safe for them to come out to everyone around them. Trans people have a right to come out to who they want to, in the ways they want to, and in their own time. Even if you mean well, outting them could put their livelihood, or even their life, in danger.
Gift-giving – Okay, so you’ve been buying gifts for this person for years but now that they’ve come out, you’re not sure what to give them. What the heck are you going to do?! Well, you can always ask! Your loved one may be trying to build a new wardrobe, or compiling a makeup collection for the first time, or exploring toiletries/hygiene products that they’ve never used before. (If they’re looking for something along these lines, and you have a product that you use and love, which you think they’d love too, share it with them! What better way to find new commonalities through gift-giving!?) You can also ask them if there’s anything they want or need, even if it’s something fun and silly like a toy they always wanted as a kid but weren’t allowed to have because of traditional gender roles.
How to handle the problematic family member(s) – Regrettably, there’s almost always going to be “that” friend or family member at your gathering. You know, the one who repeatedly misgenders and/or deadnames your trans or non-binary loved one? Or even the one who idolizes a certain president who tried like hell to make life for trans folks even harder than it already is? Well, it’s your job as an ally to run defense between your trans or non-binary loved one and problematic Aunt Karen, and you don’t have to be an expert on trans people or politics to do it. If someone is misgendering, deadnaming, or otherwise making your trans or non-binary loved one feel uncomfortable or excluded, it’s your duty to set boundaries with this person to let them know you will not tolerate any disrespect of your trans loved one. You don’t have to be loud or aggressive, you just have to be firm, ally is a verb and it’s something we must continually strive to be, even in difficult situations.
Make space for their comfort, not yours – Using a different name and set of pronouns for someone you’ve known your whole life might seem difficult, seeing your loved one as their authentic selves instead of the person others thought them to be might make you feel like you lost someone, and standing up to a problematic friend or family member might be your worst nightmare, but this isn’t the time to make it about you. Your trans or non-binary loved one needs to see that you’re actively working to support them. They need you to be an ally, even when they’re not around. Your acceptance and support are key to making sure that they’ll still be around in the future, and not just at family gatherings. 41% of all trans people have attempted suicide at some point in their life, but having a supportive parent or family member can cut those instances almost in half. Just by being a decent, respectful human being, you could literally be saving their life!
What to do if you mess up? We know, all of this seems pretty heavy at first. You’re probably worried that you’re going to screw up somehow and it’s giving you a ton of anxiety. Don’t worry, everyone makes mistakes and your trans loved one is most likely not going to hold you to impossible standards, especially if they see you truly making an effort. What you can’t do is continue to make the same mistakes without acknowledging and working on them, or make your loved one feel like it’s somehow their fault that you’re having to learn how to use this new information. Trans people should not be made to feel like a burden for existing. You do not need to make a huge deal when you do make a mistake. Crying, apologizing repeatedly, and forcing your loved one to console you over your mistake is not the way to show you care. If your loved one (or another ally friend or family member) points out that you slipped up on a name or pronoun, the *only* thing you should do is apologize (once is enough), thank them for reminding you, and move on with the conversation, resolving to do better next time.

Congratulations! Your trans or non-binary loved one trusted you enough to share this truth about themselves with you, which means they want you to be a part of this new life they’re about to embark on. Please be the support system they need and give them the love and acceptance they deserve. Happy holidays!

Follow Us