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Home for the Holidays: 10 Things You Can Do To Show Up For Your Trans Loved Ones

Home for the Holidays: 10 Things You Can Do To Show Up For Your Trans Loved Ones

Ally Academy, Sisterhood Not Cisterhood

10 Things You Can Do To Show Up For Your Trans Loved Ones

The holidays are rolling in again — twinkly lights, sweater weather, and that one cousin who insists on “playing devil’s advocate” even though nobody asked. For many Two-Spirit, Trans, Intersex, and Gender-Expansive (2TIGE) folks, this season can feel like a mixed bag: joy, anxiety, celebration, and the ever-present question of whether family gatherings will feel welcoming or…something less than that.

If someone you love is 2TIGE, the way you show up can make the difference between a holiday that feels safe and affirming, or one that they spend silently bracing themselves. The good news? Being a supportive, thoughtful ally isn’t complicated. It just takes intention, humility, and a willingness to prioritize their comfort over anyone else’s convenience.

Here are ten ways to show up with real love, respect, and solidarity this holiday season — and beyond.

1. Use Their Name and Pronouns (Yes, Every Time!)

Affirming someone’s name and pronouns is the foundation of showing respect. If your loved one has shared theirs with you, use them consistently, even when you’re reminiscing about childhood stories or talking to relatives who “don’t get it yet.” If you’re unsure of their pronouns or how they introduce themselves these days, ask ahead of time instead of guessing.

Singular “they” is not new, confusing, or grammatically rebellious. You’ve used it your whole life. If you can say “Someone left their casserole on the counter,” you’re already doing it. It’s not about perfection; it’s about practice and commitment.

2. Check In Ahead of Time and Do Your Own Learning

Before the gathering, reach out and ask how they’re feeling about the holiday and what would help them feel supported. Maybe they want you to correct people gently on their pronouns. Maybe they want backup around certain relatives. Maybe they just want a neutral, judgment-free space to exist.

Whatever they share, honor it,  and then take responsibility for your own education. If they seem open to talking, great. If not, don’t treat them like a walking encyclopedia of transness. The emotional labor of explaining themselves shouldn’t fall on them just because you’re curious. You can learn plenty from vetted resources (and you’ll find some below).

3. Don’t Ask Questions You Wouldn’t Ask a Cis Person

This one’s simple: if you wouldn’t ask a cisgender friend or family member a particular question, you shouldn’t ask your trans loved one either. Curiosity is normal, but bodies, medical decisions, and personal details are private. Questions like “Have you had surgery?” “What’s in your pants?” or “Which bathroom do you use?” are inappropriate, invasive, and irrelevant to who they are as a human being.

Respect their boundaries the same way you’d want yours respected.

4. Rethink Gendered Traditions

Families often have deeply ingrained gendered roles during the holidays: the women cook, the men watch football, or gifts are exchanged “by the boys” and “by the girls.” These traditions can feel alienating or painful for trans and non-binary relatives.

If your loved one is a trans man or trans woman, include them wholeheartedly in traditions that match their identity, versus ones assigned to them at birth. If they’re non-binary, talk with them about what feels comfortable or brainstorm new traditions together ahead of time. Safety and inclusion matter more than nostalgia.

5. Tell Old Stories the Right Way and Be Careful with Photos

Stories of childhood mischief and awkward middle-school moments can be sweet, but retelling them requires a little extra care. Use your loved one’s current name and pronouns when sharing memories. There’s no need to call in memories with language like “when you were a boy/girl”. These story still land without that kind of framing. Instead try something like “When you were younger”.

Photos are trickier. Some 2TIGE people enjoy looking back at old pictures; others find them dysphoric or painful. Always ask privately before pulling out old albums, passing around pre-transition pictures, or posting anything online. Even well-intentioned nostalgia can cross a boundary without meaning to.

6. Remember: Their Story Is Theirs to Share

Just because your loved one came out to you does not mean they’ve come out to everyone else in their life. They may not be out at work, school, church, or within certain parts of the family. Outing someone (even accidentally) can put them at risk socially, professionally, and in today’s climate, sometimes physically. Ie- just because you’re cool, doesn’t mean everyone else at the table is or will be. 

Let people control their own narratives. If someone asks a question that you’re unsure how to navigate, try redirecting instead of revealing information that isn’t yours to disclose. 

(Example: Your Trans loved one leaves the room, and suddenly Aunt Susan wants to know about their surgery status, you don’t need to give her a play by play, instead allow your Trans loved one to decide if/when they want to share that story and redirect the conversation to a favorite memory or anything else. If she or anyone else persists, it’s okay to be direct and let them know that that is not your story to share.)

7. Give Gifts That Celebrate Who They Are, Not Who You Assume They Should Be

Buying gifts for a newly out 2TIGE loved one doesn’t have to feel intimidating. The best strategy is the simplest: ask them what they want. Maybe they’re building a new wardrobe, exploring skincare or makeup for the first time, or trying out new hobbies or styles. They may also appreciate something fun, silly, comforting, or nostalgic (especially things they were denied growing up due to gendered expectations).

The goal isn’t to “get it perfect.” It’s to choose something that creates joy and says: I see you.

8. Stand Up to the Problematic Relative(s) – You Already Know Exactly Who We’re Talking About

Almost every holiday table has that one person who refuses to adjust, makes snide comments, misgenders people “on principle,” or wants to debate human rights like it’s fantasy football. Your loved one shouldn’t have to defend themselves alone.

Being an ally means stepping in; Calmly, confidently, and consistently. You don’t need to be confrontational to be firm. A simple “We’re using their correct name,” or “Hey, that’s not respectful,” is more powerful than you think. When allies speak up, 2TIGE people don’t always have to carry that burden themselves.

Allyship is a verb. Practicing it shows that you mean what you say.

9. Prioritize Their Comfort Over Your Discomfort

It’s okay if using new pronouns feels unfamiliar at first or if you’re nervous about correcting others. What’s not okay is putting the weight of your feelings onto your 2TIGE loved one. Their comfort, safety, and humanity are not optional because you feel awkward or uncertain.

If you care about them, truly care, then yes, stretch! Try new things. You’re going to get braver and things will get easier. That’s part of loving someone who needs you in their corner.

Their safety is more important than anyone else’s discomfort. Full stop.

10. When You Mess Up (And You Will), Fix It and Move Forward

No one expects perfection. What matters is how you respond. If you use the wrong pronoun or name, correct yourself quickly, apologize once, and move on. Don’t make a scene, spiral, or demand reassurance. Your loved one shouldn’t have to comfort you for a mistake you made.

The most respectful and authentic apology is changed behavior — not theatrics, not self-flagellation, and not turning your error into an entire holiday subplot.

After the Holidays: Keep Showing Up

Support doesn’t end when the decorations get boxed up. Keep checking in. Keep learning. Keep standing up when you need to. And most importantly, keep celebrating your loved one outside of crisis moments or visibility days. Trans people deserve ordinary joy, everyday safety, and people who stick around long after the holidays fade out.

Further Resources to Grow Your Allyship:

Trans Empowerment Project
Instagram • Facebook

Liberation Lab – TEP’s training platform
24/7 access to our self-paced allyship learning platform.
Trainings include:
Trans 101 • Sisterhood, Not Cisterhood • Supporters, Not Saviors • Centering Disabled BIPOC 2TIGE Lives

Sisterhood Not Cisterhood
A growing community and learning space for women (and our allies!) committed to practicing real, inclusive sisterhood.

Microgrants Donate to help us provide quarterly micro-grants. TEP’s micro-grants provide support for community members who need it the most.

Embracing All Shades of Womanhood: Getting “Louder With Love”

Embracing All Shades of Womanhood: Getting “Louder With Love”

Sisterhood Not Cisterhood

By: Heather Knoxville (she/they)

In a world that too often echoes with division, Trans Empowerment Project (TEP) hopes to stand as a beacon of unity and love, especially through our transformative “Sisterhood Not Cisterhood” program. As we encourage folks to join our newest campaign, “Louder With Love,” it’s a poignant time to reflect on what it means to truly celebrate womanhood in all its diversity.

As I personally reflect on “Louder With Love” and the growth of the Sisterhood Not Cisterhood program, I am reminded of the many women I’ve interacted with at conferences and workshops – women who are learning how to be better, more intersectional allies; women who are finding themselves, claiming their power, and learning how to lead (and when to follow other leaders); women who are getting out of their comfort zones to try and make the world a better place, even with everything else they carry. 

These are trans women, cis women, BIPOC women, disabled women, white women – all coming together to learn from one another and to build community together. I am in awe of these women, and it has been a pleasure to teach and learn alongside them. Never have I seen “sisterhood” exemplified more than in these spaces, where egos are put aside, and minds are open to learning and, more importantly, hearing. 

The Power of Inclusive Sisterhood

At the heart of our Sisterhood Not Cisterhood program is a simple yet profound belief: every woman deserves recognition, celebration, and empowerment. Here’s why inclusive sisterhood is not just important but essential:

  • Unity in Diversity: Our strength lies not in our sameness but in our diversity. By embracing every woman’s unique experiences and perspectives, we build a more resilient and compassionate community.
  • Breaking Barriers: Historically marginalized groups, including 2TIGE ( 2 Spirit, Trans, Intersex, and Gender Expansive), disabled, and BIPOC communities, have faced systemic barriers to empowerment and recognition. Inclusive sisterhood seeks to dismantle these barriers, ensuring that every woman has the opportunity to thrive.
  • A Larger Community: When we stand together, the community of women isn’t just big; it’s boundless. United, there’s no limit to the change we can enact and the futures we can build.

This actually reminds me of a t-shirt my husband bought for me that says, “Our world needs women who are dangerously awake, fully alive, and unified in heart and purpose.” That rings so true for me, especially right now. Our world feels like it’s on fire, but if we wake up and work together instead of letting ourselves be divided, we can build a world where everyone thrives – that is the purpose we need to be unified under, and we need to be loud about it.

(BTW, you can get one of those t-shirts for yourself from Mahogany Mommies…no affiliation with us, they just make some really cool stuff)

Louder With Love: Why It Matters

The “Louder With Love” campaign is more than a slogan; it’s a call to action. In an age where dividing lines are drawn too quickly and hate can spread with a click, choosing love is a revolutionary act. Here’s how we can all get “Louder With Love”:

  • Drown Out Hate: Every act of love, big or small, has the power to silence messages of hate. Whether it’s through words of support, acts of kindness, or standing up for one another, love is our most potent weapon. Perform a random act of kindness today – and remember to check on your 2TIGE and BIPOC friends; this world is heavy right now.
  • Disrupt the Doom Scroll: In the relentless cycle of negative news and social media toxicity, it’s easy to feel despair. But by amplifying positive stories, achievements, and moments of unity, we can change the narrative together. Make a positive post of your own using our #LouderWithLove hashtag and challenge 3 friends to do the same, or use our customizable social media toolkit for sample posts. 
  • Build a Future on Love: Our dreams for the future are built on the foundation we lay today. By fostering an environment of love and support, we make it possible for every woman to achieve her full potential.

Together, We Are Unstoppable

The message of “Sisterhood Not Cisterhood” and the “Louder With Love” campaign is clear: our love for each other must be louder, stronger, and more enduring than any forces that seek to divide us. It’s a reminder that together, we’re not just a community; we’re a force for change.

As members of the TEP family, whether you’ve been around for a while or you’re just getting here, you’re part of this beautiful, ongoing movement of empowerment and unity. Let’s stand together, louder with love, and show the world the incredible power of inclusivity and unwavering solidarity. 

Looking ahead to a year that is sure to be fraught with tension and repeated attempts at dividing our country, I’m filled with hope and determination because I’ve seen firsthand how collective efforts can weave a tapestry of support and belonging. My pledge this year is simple, but resolute: I will be louder with love, in words and in action – and I hope you’ll join me. 

Together, there’s no doubt in my mind that we can build a future where every person, in all their unique glory, is celebrated and empowered to thrive. 

Learn more about #LouderWithLove

Celebrating Women’s History Month: Women Are Making History Today

Sisterhood Not Cisterhood

While my Trans identity is only a part of who I am and does not define me, my womanhood does. So, I adamantly refuse to be excluded from conversations about women’s issues; all women, regardless of their background or identity, deserve a seat at the table

Jacquii Cooke

Client Success Manager, Trans Empowerment Project

Jacquii Cooke

Jacquii Cooke

Client Success Manager

March marks a time of celebration and reflection as we commemorate Women’s History Month. It’s a time to acknowledge and honor the remarkable contributions of women, past and present, who have shaped our world in countless ways. As we pay tribute to these achievements this year, it’s crucial to recognize and uplift ALL women, especially our Trans-femme siblings. We are making history TODAY!

I’m Jacquii Cooke–Client Success Manager for Trans Empowerment Project (TEP). As a 48-year-old Trans woman myself–having proclaimed my womanhood at the age of seventeen–I have endured the harsh realities of blatant misogyny, workplace discrimination, sexual harassment, and the many struggles women face on a daily basis. 

The words of black Trans icon Dr. Lourdes Ashley Hunter resonate with my spirit as she says, “I don’t want to be visible because I am trans. I want to be seen, affirmed and celebrated as a whole damn person… [I want to] thrive in a world that celebrates all of who we are… Humans.” While my Trans identity is only a part of who I am and does not define me, my womanhood does. So, I adamantly refuse to be excluded from conversations about women’s issues; all women, regardless of their background or identity, deserve a seat at the table. 

Being an advocate for the 2TIGE (Two-Spirit, Transgender, Intersex, and Gender-Expansive) community is a title I also proudly claim. I have had the privilege of getting to know and assisting hundreds of clients from 44 states in the US who are working hard to overcome disproportionate amounts of personal trauma, criticism, bias, and unjust legislation. In 2023, TEP took a significant step forward by providing ~$25,000 in direct aid through our inTRANSitions Program. 

Stats about our work

The inTRANSitions initiative aims to empower all our 2TIGE clients in need, 40% of whom are Trans women and Trans-femme individuals from diverse backgrounds. By providing programs like inTRANSitions, TEP is not just offering food & toiletries deliveries, access to HRT, gender-affirming items, and much more. We’re creating pathways for empowerment and inclusivity!

This Women’s History Month, let’s celebrate women’s achievements, resilience, strength, and courage by committing to ongoing action and support. Let’s continue this momentum and strive for greater joy, celebrating each other’s triumphs as we thrive together in sisterhood, not CISterhood.

As we look to the future, let’s recognize that women are making history now. Because we are! In fact, over 50% of TEP’s amazing staff is managed by a talented, passionate, diverse group of women dedicated to advocating for our community. Please excuse my language when I say that we are a group of badasses who are kicking some major ass fighting for our community’s right to exist joyfully! We’re changing the narrative on the disinformation floating about, building bridges of inclusion among all women, and helping our community accomplices become captains of organizing in their local communities. My colleagues and I are doing impressive work and are doing our part in defining history by helping to create a better tomorrow!

And we can continue making history when we work together to create a more equitable and empowered society. Whether through financial donations, volunteer work, community organizing, or simply spreading awareness, every action counts. So let’s join hands in solidarity, writing new chapters in history daily–chapters where everyone’s voice is heard, valued, and celebrated.

Your contribution to TEP’s inTRANSitions program directly supports this mission, enabling us to create lasting change and opportunities for 2TIGE folks in need. To make your charitable contribution directly to TEP’s inTRANSitions program and be a part of this transformative revolution, visit our donation page. Today, a contribution. Tomorrow, you will have made all the difference! You can also create your own fundraiser on Tiltify and share it with your trans-affirming family, friends & colleagues! Complete directions on how to do so can be found online at https://tiltify.com/trans-empowerment-project. Let’s continue to write history together, one act of empowerment at a time.

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