Take Back the Narrative: Alicia Arballo Expresses Trans* Grief Through Poetry
My poem, “Grief” speaks to that mindset.
Grief
By Alicia Sainz Arballo
In the early evening
a group of aging veterans
make their way up
the hill.
Flanked by the young
who know little of the
elders’ past.
Shoulders slumped, heads down,
the path anything but inviting.
Not the arduousness of the climb,
but the task:
To unbury the moment of loss.
Relive the trauma, the pain.
and fear.
Then fight through that,
and allow themselves time to grieve.
As the stars begin to peak through
the darkening sky.
Stillness.
Graying, weathered, aching,
They choose a spot to lie
facing the heavens
and invite the energy of the blackness
to surround them.
The hardened dirt,
a welcome mat
keeping each from sinking
beyond the depths into a
colorless,
feeling less,
void.
There,
they shout the names of those killed,
who fought beside them.
As the words leave their lips,
tears, then weeping,
bodies shaking.
Years of sadness and horror
locked away.
Unknowingly,
weighing each one down
with sickness, anger, and depression.
The youth surround them
laying their small hands on each.
Supporting
their energy
dissipating
the combined grief.
The last of them
pronouncing their loss,
streams of sadness
flowing down the corners
of their water filled eyes,
moistening the earth.
Gone now,
their pain
I say to myself
Is there a hill for us to climb?
A place to lay down,
yell at the stars
and let go?
Our perceptions of what has been,
For what is.
A child says to their mother
“I’m not a girl, I’m a boy.”
Let go….
A man says to his wife of 30 years,
“I’m a woman.”
Let go…..
A woman says to her girlfriends,
“I don’t feel like a woman, and I don’t feel like a man,
I’m not sure who I am.”
Let go….
Systems of gender that have held us as a society
without question
to understand the anger and fear,
and know grief is a path
where we may find a place of
stillness to
examine our feelings.
Where we may witness our discomfort,
our history of denial
and know,
without accessing this loss
and release,
allowing outstretched hands
to comfort what we’re afraid
may never be
again.
Alicia Sainz Arballo is a transgender woman who started her medical transition at the age of 62 years old. She is a life long educator who worked for the Los Angeles Unified School district as a counselor and teacher for 36 years. She facilitated her school’s GSA club and provided teachers with professional developments to better navigate the needs of her school’s LGBTQIA+ community. She is also a musician, playing guitar since the age of six, and poet, recently participating in the “My Life is Poetry” workshop through Los Angeles LGBTQ center, and is working at publishing a chapbook on her coming out process. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in Music from California State University Northridge, and a Masters in Counseling from California Lutheran University. She continues to advocate for trans affirming health care for all ages.
